Floating Feathers

How to begin?

From the beginning,

(perhaps not the very beginning,

can't say as I remember.)

she said.

Beyond the floating bubbles

of childhood

and into the realms of teenage unsettled spirits

I felt myself turning

into a puzzle piece

wondering year after year

wondering where I fit in, do I fit in

(within the world)?

Where do I BELONG?

Where am I GOING?

Who am I? She asked

This shadow on the wall

this voice,

this strange little strong little voice

coming out of me

coming from somewhere,

speaking these strange little strong little thoughts,

that only I think?

A teeny creature living someplace

deep inside this body,

trying to break free?

This puzzled soul.

Well sometimes I can't breathe

I get myself all worked-up

and then

I'm pretty much pointless.

HYSTERICAL.

I lose myself altogether.

She said.

I have been many many different beings

so far.

Like a cruel irony.

Did you ever have one of those moments

or days

when you think,

WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING

to me?

She said.

I learned

or tried to learn

from experience and overcome,

but I have to admit

I'm a little slow

(so I'll blame it on

the little monsters lurking

in my head,

under the bed,

in the closets,

behind the curtains

you know the ones....

don't you?).

Changing every other day,

who am I today,

I'll write it down in Sanskrit. She said.

Perhaps if I believed in REINCARNATION,

the metaphysical belief that 

an essential part of a being survives death and is reborn

in a new body

only to keep dying and coming back again and again

until they get it right.

but then again,

a new body would be nice

and a new personality too---

almost worth believing in. She said

I'd like to come back as a bird

maybe.

Or a starfish

or Sid Viscious,

well maybe I already was.

I used to be SADNESS

happy to be sad.

It meant that I felt the world, more than you

with its winged spirits - good and bad

that I'd seen more than you

you haven't seen enough

(poor naive little you)

and I'd pull my porcupine blanket

over top of me

to shut out and threaten.

I was a puzzle piece that didn't want to fit in.

But that's high school for ya.

She laughed.

NOW,

welcome to the absolutely completely truly

really really real world.

They said,

those with their bird's eye view.

IT'S ABOUT TIME. SHE SAID.

They laughed,

and she wondered

what

that meant.

WAIT...

did they say real world

or wormhole?

Portal?

Did you ever notice

how you can run sometimes

and get nowhere. She said.

Is that another one of

Einstein's big ideas?

Is my perception of space and time and distance

in one dimension

and I'm watching it from another?

Like the RED QUEEN. She said,

in ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS,

she needed to run as quickly as she could

in order to stay in one place.

So should I run now

or 

just stay very very still?

RUN...

run until your arms and legs are sore,

run until you float away

'til you can't feel anything anymore

run until you can not breathe

'til it's impossible to even speak.

So that's what I did next,

because I usually always listen to myself,

whether it's the right side of me

or the wrong side of me

I'll never know

because they both sound like me.

She said.

And I ran around for awhile

trying to find my place

in the world

and getting nowhere

very

very

fast.

I don't want to become enlightened.

She said.

WHY? BUDDHA asked.

It seems so dull ---- no past, no future, no thoughts.

TRUE. HE replied.

And I like emotions. She said,

maybe not hysterical anger or confusion

or sadness,

but laughter is so beautiful

and love, connections, sweet memories, amazement

and feathers on your skin.

I couldn't live without those.

AND BUDDHA LAUGHED A BIG BELLY LAUGH.

Most times we shift

and we change

the more we grow

the more we realize

the more we become 

more or less.

I was once a ghost. She said.

but only once,

then I realized

I wasn't really 

alive

because someone showed me

how little time we actually have

to be alive

so I decided to live,

despite the struggle

because even though it's much easier

being a ghost

it's not much fun

not really.

And I STUFFED my pockets with LIFE

(and chocolates!)

and GULPED life from the wild thin air

got my suitcase and packed my bags with LIFE

Loaded up my life car

and I was ready to go

to wherever life

wanted to go --

she was in the driver's seat

cause I was along for the ride...

(and because I still hadn't a notion

of where I should actually be going)

it wasn't long before I realized 

I  better stop,

ask for some directions

before we ran out of gas....

Most grandmothers are better 

than ZEN

because they've lived

life

they've been through it all

and then some, 

their wisdom is

inevitable

(oh and they don't act like they know

what's best for you,

that's a mother's job)

where do I fit? Where am I going?

What is my destiny, gramma? She asked.

THE PAST IS NOW

THE NOW IS NOW

THE FUTURE IS NOW

IT USED TO MAKE ME WONDER

NOW IT DOESN'T.

GRAMMA SAID.

Hmmm. Can I have some ice cream to go with that koan?

So I decided to ask GOD

God, where do I fit in,

what is my destiny?

She prayed.

And God answered,

parting through the clouds in the sky

coming face to face

eye to eye

and said:

STANDING IN THE SUNLIGHT

YOU CANNOT SEE THE SUN

STANDING IN A SNOWSTORM

YOU CANNOT SEE THE CLOUDS

STANDING IN YOUR MIND

YOU CANNOT SEE YOUR SOUL

BUT THEY ARE THERE.

Okay, great. She said.

how 'bout a sign instead,

that might be easier to follow.

Now I know that there's no one smarter

than God. She said.

but for some reason humans can't

take his word for it,

we always want a second opinion

so I thought of someone else to ask,

someone with a bunch of brains

and the smarts to use 'em

Einstein....of course

Einstein's ghost soul, that is

Albert, where do I fit in this world?

Where should I be going?

What is my destiny?

Albert smiled and simply answered;

IT IS THE DESTINY AND AN ACTUAL NECESSITY

OF ALL MATERIAL THINGS TO CHANGE

INTO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT WHICH THEY WERE

SPACE EXPRESS CHANGE ----MOVEMENT

INFINITE

UP DOWN BACKWARD FORWARD

REVERSIBLE

TIME IS IRREVERSIBLE

BUT YOUR PERCEPTION OF TIME

CAN BE A PROCESS OF SELF-CREATION

TIME AND SPACE ARE INSEPARABLE

YOU ARE INSEPARABLE FROM YOUR DESTINY

 REVERSIBLE AND IRREVERSIBLE

HAPPENING AT ONCE.

I can only hypothesize. She said

about what Stephen Hawking

would say:

TO KNOW DESTINY IS TO HAVE THE MIND OF GOD.

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE THE MIND OF GOD.

Or something like that.

And I can only babble 

fragmented word combinations

that I don't understand. She said

to guess what Jack Sarfatti would say:

THE MIND CONSISTING OF QUANTUM WAVE FUNCTIONS

AND THE ACTION OF SUFFICIENTLY

ORGANIZED MATTER,

ALLOWING TO DEVELOP SELF-AWARENESS AND FREE WILL

YOUR DESTINY IS RETRO-CASUAL,

FASTER THAN LIGHT,

FUTURE TO PAST.

I think that I better simplify,

I'm getting way too in, 

far too over my head. She said.

so I asked a little birdie

instead.

He looked at me

with reflecting eyes,

picked up a string

and soared away

leaving me

with a floating feather

as my answer.

There are angels all around us.

I believe it is true

because how else can you explain

the amazing amount of coincidences in a day

(and the overly easy accessibility of chocolate!)

She said.

So I opened up my closet

to see if there happened to be

an angel of mine in there.

And there was,

so I asked her what she thought

about my destiny and puzzle piece soul,

she handed me a bouquet of feathers

and fluttered away.

If you creep really really slowly,

so as not to frighten them,

and ask really really nicely,

you can get the ghosts in the attic to talk....

but they mostly just like to talk about

themselves. She said.

So I asked the hovering transparents

what they thought

and they said,

DID WE EVER TELL YOU

HOW MUCH WE LIKE FEATHERS?

And they blew dust and feathers

in my face and laughed,

but ghosts are funny like that --

I guess by now they can see

the humor in life.

She said.

I decided to ask someone

with a little less experience

and a lot of intuition ---

a child,

my life Monet

do you know what destiny is? I asked.

NO. SHE SAID.

It's where you're meant to end up in life.

What do you think my destiny is?

She made a bunch of strange hand movements,

then sat very still

staring at me,

I'M TALKING IN SIGN LANGUAGE. SHE SAID.

What did you say in sign language?

THE DESTINY SHOULD BE.....

IN THE CLOUDS.

I also asked my Bella Star,

beautiful butterfly chaser,

whose only real words are

ah-oh

WHOSHEE GALA MEEKA BOO, AH-OH.

SHE SAID

when I asked.

I wish that I could remember

what that meant in baby language.

Probably something profound,

about DESTINY AND LOLLIPOPS.

It feels like I'm speaking 

in the dark. She said.

alone and waiting

and unable to see

step out into the sun

I am blinded

unable to see

everything that surrounds me

it's the same situation

right

back where I started.

I dream in questions. She said.

and in the middle of this nightmare

this life in slow motion, fast forwarding

In the middle of this mind dream

where the wolf speaks to the tiger,

and I am supposed to figure out

which one represents me

in the middle of this place

that I've yet to be,

a feather floats past

and I ask it my destiny.

It lands for a moment

then lifted by some cosmic breeze,

spins

away

with some hidden meaning.

Ever wish that you could record and replay your dreams,

so that you could figure out

just what the hell you're talking about.

She said.

And awake, I still ask questions.

She said.

Where is this going?

How will it end?

What's the answer?

Somebody please just tell me.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE PUZZLES?

A little someone somewhere said.

No, they are frustrating. She said.

PERCEPTIONS PERCEPTIONS.

SOME PIECES FIT, SOME PIECES DON'T

SO MANY POSSIBILITIES

IT'S FUN.

The little someone somewhere said.

A LOT LIKE LIFE.

And a feather floated past.

and a feather floated past 

at the same moment

the clock sounded 11 o'clock

(but my watch said 11:11)

and the bird soared

and the RED QUEEN ran

and BUDDHA laughed

and a ghost who wasn't really a ghost rose from the dead

and grandmother just was (very zen)

and God spoke (misunderstood)

and Einstein smiled

and more birds soared in dance

and angels fluttered

and ghosts joked about life

and children babbled in their own secret language

and the dark was dark

and the wolf spoke

and the tiger spoke

and the dreams translated hidden meaning

and some puzzle pieces fit, some didn't

and a feather floated past 

all at the same moment,

all happening simultaneously,

all in this one perception of time

until the next minute passes

and everything changes

again.

(C)  C. Morning 2008