From the beginning,
(perhaps not the very beginning,
can't say as I remember.)
she said.
Beyond the floating bubbles
of childhood
and into the realms of teenage unsettled spirits
I felt myself turning
into a puzzle piece
wondering year after year
wondering where I fit in, do I fit in
(within the world)?
Where do I BELONG?
Where am I GOING?
Who am I? She asked
This shadow on the wall
this voice,
this strange little strong little voice
coming out of me
coming from somewhere,
speaking these strange little strong little thoughts,
that only I think?
A teeny creature living someplace
deep inside this body,
trying to break free?
This puzzled soul.
Well sometimes I can't breathe
I get myself all worked-up
and then
I'm pretty much pointless.
HYSTERICAL.
I lose myself altogether.
She said.
I have been many many different beings
so far.
Like a cruel irony.
Did you ever have one of those moments
or days
when you think,
WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENING
to me?
She said.
I learned
or tried to learn
from experience and overcome,
but I have to admit
I'm a little slow
(so I'll blame it on
the little monsters lurking
in my head,
under the bed,
in the closets,
behind the curtains
you know the ones....
don't you?).
Changing every other day,
who am I today,
I'll write it down in Sanskrit. She said.
Perhaps if I believed in REINCARNATION,
the metaphysical belief that
an essential part of a being survives death and is reborn
in a new body
only to keep dying and coming back again and again
until they get it right.
but then again,
a new body would be nice
and a new personality too---
almost worth believing in. She said
I'd like to come back as a bird
maybe.
Or a starfish
or Sid Viscious,
well maybe I already was.
I used to be SADNESS
happy to be sad.
It meant that I felt the world, more than you
with its winged spirits - good and bad
that I'd seen more than you
you haven't seen enough
(poor naive little you)
and I'd pull my porcupine blanket
over top of me
to shut out and threaten.
I was a puzzle piece that didn't want to fit in.
But that's high school for ya.
She laughed.
NOW,
welcome to the absolutely completely truly
really really real world.
They said,
those with their bird's eye view.
IT'S ABOUT TIME. SHE SAID.
They laughed,
and she wondered
what
that meant.
WAIT...
did they say real world
or wormhole?
Portal?
Did you ever notice
how you can run sometimes
and get nowhere. She said.
Is that another one of
Einstein's big ideas?
Is my perception of space and time and distance
in one dimension
and I'm watching it from another?
Like the RED QUEEN. She said,
in ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS,
she needed to run as quickly as she could
in order to stay in one place.
So should I run now
or
just stay very very still?
RUN...
run until your arms and legs are sore,
run until you float away
'til you can't feel anything anymore
run until you can not breathe
'til it's impossible to even speak.
So that's what I did next,
because I usually always listen to myself,
whether it's the right side of me
or the wrong side of me
I'll never know
because they both sound like me.
She said.
And I ran around for awhile
trying to find my place
in the world
and getting nowhere
very
very
fast.
I don't want to become enlightened.
She said.
WHY? BUDDHA asked.
It seems so dull ---- no past, no future, no thoughts.
TRUE. HE replied.
And I like emotions. She said,
maybe not hysterical anger or confusion
or sadness,
but laughter is so beautiful
and love, connections, sweet memories, amazement
and feathers on your skin.
I couldn't live without those.
AND BUDDHA LAUGHED A BIG BELLY LAUGH.
Most times we shift
and we change
the more we grow
the more we realize
the more we become
more or less.
I was once a ghost. She said.
but only once,
then I realized
I wasn't really
alive
because someone showed me
how little time we actually have
to be alive
so I decided to live,
despite the struggle
because even though it's much easier
being a ghost
it's not much fun
not really.
And I STUFFED my pockets with LIFE
(and chocolates!)
and GULPED life from the wild thin air
got my suitcase and packed my bags with LIFE
Loaded up my life car
and I was ready to go
to wherever life
wanted to go --
she was in the driver's seat
cause I was along for the ride...
(and because I still hadn't a notion
of where I should actually be going)
it wasn't long before I realized
I better stop,
ask for some directions
before we ran out of gas....
Most grandmothers are better
than ZEN
because they've lived
life
they've been through it all
and then some,
their wisdom is
inevitable
(oh and they don't act like they know
what's best for you,
that's a mother's job)
where do I fit? Where am I going?
What is my destiny, gramma? She asked.
THE PAST IS NOW
THE NOW IS NOW
THE FUTURE IS NOW
IT USED TO MAKE ME WONDER
NOW IT DOESN'T.
GRAMMA SAID.
Hmmm. Can I have some ice cream to go with that koan?
So I decided to ask GOD
God, where do I fit in,
what is my destiny?
She prayed.
And God answered,
parting through the clouds in the sky
coming face to face
eye to eye
and said:
STANDING IN THE SUNLIGHT
YOU CANNOT SEE THE SUN
STANDING IN A SNOWSTORM
YOU CANNOT SEE THE CLOUDS
STANDING IN YOUR MIND
YOU CANNOT SEE YOUR SOUL
BUT THEY ARE THERE.
Okay, great. She said.
how 'bout a sign instead,
that might be easier to follow.
Now I know that there's no one smarter
than God. She said.
but for some reason humans can't
take his word for it,
we always want a second opinion
so I thought of someone else to ask,
someone with a bunch of brains
and the smarts to use 'em
Einstein....of course
Einstein's ghost soul, that is
Albert, where do I fit in this world?
Where should I be going?
What is my destiny?
Albert smiled and simply answered;
IT IS THE DESTINY AND AN ACTUAL NECESSITY
OF ALL MATERIAL THINGS TO CHANGE
INTO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT WHICH THEY WERE
SPACE EXPRESS CHANGE ----MOVEMENT
INFINITE
UP DOWN BACKWARD FORWARD
REVERSIBLE
TIME IS IRREVERSIBLE
BUT YOUR PERCEPTION OF TIME
CAN BE A PROCESS OF SELF-CREATION
TIME AND SPACE ARE INSEPARABLE
YOU ARE INSEPARABLE FROM YOUR DESTINY
REVERSIBLE AND IRREVERSIBLE
HAPPENING AT ONCE.
I can only hypothesize. She said
about what Stephen Hawking
would say:
TO KNOW DESTINY IS TO HAVE THE MIND OF GOD.
ARE YOU READY TO HAVE THE MIND OF GOD.
Or something like that.
And I can only babble
fragmented word combinations
that I don't understand. She said
to guess what Jack Sarfatti would say:
THE MIND CONSISTING OF QUANTUM WAVE FUNCTIONS
AND THE ACTION OF SUFFICIENTLY
ORGANIZED MATTER,
ALLOWING TO DEVELOP SELF-AWARENESS AND FREE WILL
YOUR DESTINY IS RETRO-CASUAL,
FASTER THAN LIGHT,
FUTURE TO PAST.
I think that I better simplify,
I'm getting way too in,
far too over my head. She said.
so I asked a little birdie
instead.
He looked at me
with reflecting eyes,
picked up a string
and soared away
leaving me
with a floating feather
as my answer.
There are angels all around us.
I believe it is true
because how else can you explain
the amazing amount of coincidences in a day
(and the overly easy accessibility of chocolate!)
She said.
So I opened up my closet
to see if there happened to be
an angel of mine in there.
And there was,
so I asked her what she thought
about my destiny and puzzle piece soul,
she handed me a bouquet of feathers
and fluttered away.
If you creep really really slowly,
so as not to frighten them,
and ask really really nicely,
you can get the ghosts in the attic to talk....
but they mostly just like to talk about
themselves. She said.
So I asked the hovering transparents
what they thought
and they said,
DID WE EVER TELL YOU
HOW MUCH WE LIKE FEATHERS?
And they blew dust and feathers
in my face and laughed,
but ghosts are funny like that --
I guess by now they can see
the humor in life.
She said.
I decided to ask someone
with a little less experience
and a lot of intuition ---
a child,
my life Monet
do you know what destiny is? I asked.
NO. SHE SAID.
It's where you're meant to end up in life.
What do you think my destiny is?
She made a bunch of strange hand movements,
then sat very still
staring at me,
I'M TALKING IN SIGN LANGUAGE. SHE SAID.
What did you say in sign language?
THE DESTINY SHOULD BE.....
IN THE CLOUDS.
I also asked my Bella Star,
beautiful butterfly chaser,
whose only real words are
ah-oh
WHOSHEE GALA MEEKA BOO, AH-OH.
SHE SAID
when I asked.
I wish that I could remember
what that meant in baby language.
Probably something profound,
about DESTINY AND LOLLIPOPS.
It feels like I'm speaking
in the dark. She said.
alone and waiting
and unable to see
step out into the sun
I am blinded
unable to see
everything that surrounds me
it's the same situation
right
back where I started.
I dream in questions. She said.
and in the middle of this nightmare
this life in slow motion, fast forwarding
In the middle of this mind dream
where the wolf speaks to the tiger,
and I am supposed to figure out
which one represents me
in the middle of this place
that I've yet to be,
a feather floats past
and I ask it my destiny.
It lands for a moment
then lifted by some cosmic breeze,
spins
away
with some hidden meaning.
Ever wish that you could record and replay your dreams,
so that you could figure out
just what the hell you're talking about.
She said.
And awake, I still ask questions.
She said.
Where is this going?
How will it end?
What's the answer?
Somebody please just tell me.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE PUZZLES?
A little someone somewhere said.
No, they are frustrating. She said.
PERCEPTIONS PERCEPTIONS.
SOME PIECES FIT, SOME PIECES DON'T
SO MANY POSSIBILITIES
IT'S FUN.
The little someone somewhere said.
A LOT LIKE LIFE.
And a feather floated past.
and a feather floated past
at the same moment
the clock sounded 11 o'clock
(but my watch said 11:11)
and the bird soared
and the RED QUEEN ran
and BUDDHA laughed
and a ghost who wasn't really a ghost rose from the dead
and grandmother just was (very zen)
and God spoke (misunderstood)
and Einstein smiled
and more birds soared in dance
and angels fluttered
and ghosts joked about life
and children babbled in their own secret language
and the dark was dark
and the wolf spoke
and the tiger spoke
and the dreams translated hidden meaning
and some puzzle pieces fit, some didn't
and a feather floated past
all at the same moment,
all happening simultaneously,
all in this one perception of time
until the next minute passes
and everything changes
again.
(C) C. Morning 2008
THE ENORMOUS JOKE OF EXISTENCE has been revised!!!!!! Same words, but with the most beautiful photographs and layout design by photographer Destiny Smith!! Our book can now be viewed and BOUGHT at blurb!! Go to http://www.blurb.com/ and type in the enormous joke of existence
